Query Quest
I write in my journal a lot these days.
I pace back and forth across the page, each swish of my pen dribbling ink on virgin paper. I love writing. But writing can be heartbreaking, especially as one undertakes the process of querying. I wanted to document this process for myself, and it is difficult because I am worried and anxious and then hope muscles in. I’ve told a few of my friends that I have been lingering at the highest of heights and then plummeting to the lowest of lows, but all the while, I have clung to the branch that says to me, “I believe in this story.” Sometimes, when you are more arrogant than other times, you think, “If someone would just take a chance on this…”
Who knows whether my bias is running rampant and it is actually a terrible book, but for some time, I have believed in the story, the message, the characters, the themes, and the realization that I may have to query a different book someday is painful, but…I’m doing alright about that. The thing is, the quest of life is to be the hero in your own story, and there is no room there for self-pity, nor is there room for the pulsating desire to quit. I will keep going, in other words.
The query stats right now sit at 21 agents queried and 16 rejections. I’m even getting rejections in my sleep. At some point, though, you start to feel hardened to the rejections, like a thick skin developing on your thumb when you strum the guitar too much. What mitigates the pain as well is that I have two projects that I juggle with immense joy. Today, in fact, I am filling out the Proust Questionnaire for the main characters of Project Guernica.
I sometimes wish I could email these agents, the ones who rejected me, to say thank you for taking their time and for their kind form rejections, but I think that that might be weird and not done. I’m so grateful for this humbling process in the end. Do I wish that someone would love it? Of course, but sometimes one becomes content within herself, within her open notebook.
Perhaps what this all comes down to is that I am impatient and eager to keep momentum rolling in my life, but sometimes querying feels suspiciously like running in circles. I will be honest here: I do not care if this book is a bestseller. I care that it represents a moment of darkness and triumph in my life, and I am not writing because I want some massive advance. No, I write because I am a poem, and a piece of flickering language. I must make this quest. Yes, it is hard not to feel “down.” Yet if I am rejected by every agent from here to England, then, well, I’ll shrug.
I got my MA in Writing, and I am so glad that I did that. I made brilliant writer friends, and my voice began to grow. There is so much excitement in taking steps in the directions of one’s dreams and aspirations. It was a lovely experience, and I am forever in awe of the remarkable friends I made. And that’s really what this is all about in the end.
Anyway, I will send out my next three queries soon. My hands literally shake before I hit that submit button every time. In the meantime, cheers to Project Guernica and Project Trains for keeping me busy. We’ll have to see what happens in the end. I’ve wanted this so badly my entire life. Failure is an inevitable part of getting published; it is the resilience that matters, I think.
It is time to make tea. It is time to write in my journal.
